A Cricket's Tale: How Lex Luthor Became Evil
by nicnac918
Summary: Or, The Story of How Lex Isn't the Slightest Bit Gay, Nuh-uh, Not at All.


AN: Pure unadulterated crack. Also? This is all Josephina X's fault.

* * *

"You're being rude."

"Oh God, not you again."

"If you would just behave yourself, then you wouldn't have to get so many visits from your Friendly Shoulder Cricket."

"So what are you here to berate me about this time, the car accident?"

"No, not that – though talking on the phone and driving, really? – I'm here to tell you that you're staring and it's rude."

"He and I are the only ones on this riverbank at that moment. It's not staring if there's nothing else to look at."

"It is if you're staring at his ass."

"What are you trying to imply?"

"I'm not _implying_ anything; I'm _telling_ you that you are staring at his ass. If you are _inferring_ something from that, then that's all on you. I –"

_smush_

* * *

"You know that's not very nice of you; saying all those mean things about Whitney."

"I thought I killed you!"

"No, you killed the first cricket. I'm the second one."

"I have two of you?"

"No, you have six. Everybody has six."

"Six?"

"Well, we're quite small and people are quite big; it's a balancing thing. Besides, what's wrong with the number six?"

"Nothing's wrong with it, I just –_sighs_– forget it. What were you saying about the quarterback?"

"You keep saying all those mean things about him to Lana. You don't even know him."

"I know he tied Clark up and left him in the middle of a field to possibly die of exposure."

"And you've never done something you've regretted under the influence of peer pressure?"

"…"

"Besides, it just seems counterproductive."

"I'm trying to help Clark win Lana. How is breaking Lana and Whitney up counterproductive to that?"

"Wait, you want Clark to get with _Lana_?"

"Yes…"

"_Really?_ Because that's not the vibe I was getting from you _at all_. 'We have a future' and all the pool games and the water bottles –"

_smush_

* * *

"You do realize you're breaking your promise right now?"

"This room is not about Clark. This room is about me, and about all the strange things that go on in Smallville."

"Why haven't you told Clark about it then?"

"Because Clark would just misunderstand and get angry."

"I'd probably misunderstand too if there was a giant picture of me hanging up on the wall."

"Is there something wrong with hanging up a picture of my friend?"

"When it's a four-by-five in a nice little picture frame? No. When it's a huge plasma screen in your secret room? Yes. Because that's when you enter stalker territory."

"I am not stalking Clark."

"Tell that to your stalker shrin–"

_smush_

* * *

"You shouldn't be treating all these women like this."

"You have a problem with one-night stands?"

"It's not that exactly. I just don't like the way you're using them."

"Using someone for sex is sort of the point of a one-night stand."

"Not the sex. The way you're sublimating your desires through them."

"I'm sublimating?"

"You have to have noticed that they all look really similar."

"So I have a type."

"Yeah, you have a type ever since you came to Smallville."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You can't think of anyone else you know who all these women look like? I'll give you a hint, he has green eyes and –"

_smush_

* * *

"I'm pretty sure going after your best friend's girlfriend is against the bro code."

"You're lecturing me on the bro code now?"

"Well I'm not getting very far on the moral front, am I? A change in tactics seems in order."

"You can save your breath on the bro code. Clark has made it abundantly clear that we aren't friends anymore."

"But trying to steal his girlfriend and running a bunch of evil scientist level experiments isn't the way to get his attention."

"Excuse me?"

"That's the only time you can get Clark to talk to you now, isn't it? When he's warning you off of Lana or all that other crazy stuff you've been pulling. But if you think your little temper tantrums are going to make him come running back to you then –"

_smush_

* * *

"Seriously Lex? You're holding Clark in your arms, and telling him that you love him as you both are about to die. Even you have to admit that this is _really_ _gay_."

_smush_


End file.
